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Coming Out NEVER Ends

SHIT! Not that question! I really like Facebook but now it's making me have to come out all over again. I'm 57 friggin' years old and I'm out dammit. Everyone at work knows I'm Gay, everyone at church knows I'm Gay, everyone in my family knows I'm Gay - my partner would add everyone who has seen me knows I'm Gay (here I pause to squint menacingly at him...). BUT and this is a BIG BUT - 98% of the people with whom I graduated from high school don't know. I didn't know I was Gay when we were in high school - wait, not true - I was completely in denial about being Gay.

I first "fooled around" with another guy in 5th grade but thought it was a phase. 6th grade, 7th grade, 8th...by the time I graduated high school I could count nine boys with whom I had sex but still I thought I was straight. I had never kissed any of those guys cause that would mean that I was Queer and I wasn't! I had a steady girlfriend - so I was straight - "straight as an arrow" I described myself. When I finally kissed a guy and I liked it (reminds me of a song) I still didn't admit I was Gay for five more years - five years in which I *clears throat* kissed a lot of guys!

So when a high school friend sent an invitation to connect on Facebook last week I had a little moment of fear. Once I accepted the invitation I assumed she would see that my relationship status was "in a relationship" - oh hell, she could look at most any section of my Facebook page and figure out that I'm Gay. So WHAT - I am, I am Gay - there's no shame in that anymore. A week ticked by and I assumed that she was "playing blind to the evidence."

Tonight her status indicated that she had "another healthy grand baby of a specified length, and certain weight in pounds and ounces..."

I commented, "Congratulations!"

Later she commented "Thank you Bill....do u have any children, or grandchildren...or are u even married....we now have 10....its hard at Cristmas...LOL"

Suddenly I felt like I was 17 again and had to figure out a cute or "just like Bill" way to come out. On Monday just three days ago a new employee said that my "wife was a lucky woman because I love to cook." To which I wittily replied, "My partner hates when I refer to him as my wife...I'm Gay." I'm usually so quick with these but with a high school friend I labored over how to respond. Just saying, "No, not married, never have been, no children so obviously no grandchildren," would be answering the question, but not being true to myself - let alone to Paul. After working up a sweat and a case of writer's block I finally responded via email...

Thought I would take this conversation private.

I am Gay and in a relationship for the last nine years - we would be married if it was legal. :-) I of course have lots of nieces, nephews, and a couple of godchildren but no children.

I was in denial about my sexuality until I was in my 30s - I think I was convinced that if I just prayed hard enough or wished hard enough or found the right woman I wouldn't be Gay but that's not the way it works.

Here in Austin I am completely open at work, at church and with all my friends but every time I come out to someone from high school days I get very anxious.

Probably way more than you wanted to know - I guess I could have stopped at "no children or grandchildren" but these days that feels like not being truthful and I can't do that!

Congratulations again - I bet Christmas at your house is "lively!"

Bill


Just now, while I was writing this blog entry, anticipating a "Conservative Christian" response (I've looked at her page and her "orientation" in that regard is abundantly clear) her response came in...I know because it was delivered to my email and the little translucent notice appeared on my screen so I'll click over and post what she said...

Well....I am still just not sure about the Gay thing, butttt...I have a nephew that is gay, and he was married for alot of years, and have two beautiful children...but like u he thought he could just make it go away and he couldn't.....now he still issues with it...and is not very open with it....but I am of the opinion that you are who you are....and thats just the way it is.....You know we both came from small little towns, and yes I think it is hard to go back there and be open with it....but in the big towns like where u are it's just an every day thing....You know if I am not mistaken....isn't [name of one of my nine guys in high school] gay also....seems like I heard that along the way....but no big deal to me....You will always be my High School Friend and classmate....

Like I said when I started - I'm 57 friggin' years old, wouldn't you think that I'd not make such a big deal about being who I am at this advanced age?

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