On September 24, 2013 in San Jose, California, a Deputy County Commissioner for Santa Clara County named Loune Philavane said, "By the authority vested in me by the State of California, I now pronounce you legally married spouses." We stood on the opposite side of a Plexiglas divider with a circular arrangement of holes at head level to allow us to hear MS Philavane when she spoke the vows we repeated. People were all over the place in the Courthouse at windows just like ours getting copies of their birth certificates, or copies of some family member's death certificates or like us, getting married. How did we get here and why such a pedestrian setting for what is typically reserved for much pomp and circumstance, and why were we alone with no friends or family to witness our nuptials?
We're Gay, that's why. We live in Texas. Texas citizens decided several years ago (80% to 20%) that our relationship has "no standing" and that the State and none of its institutions can recognize any relationship existing between us because we are of the same sex and not blood related. Practically, that means that if one of us is hospitalized, the other could be denied visitation rights because we are not family (President Obama has addressed this issue for hospitals with Federal funding and Mitt Romney said that if he were elected President he would reverse that executive order and let states decide (Texas already decided)). It also meant that when one of us dies the other would have to pay high inheritance tax on the total value of our estate (our marriage addressed that, after the Supreme Court addressed that specific issue earlier this year). For perspective, when Brittany Spears got drunk in Vegas a few years ago and married her good friend from high school she and her "husband" immediately had 1138 rights and privileges that were denied to Paul and I after we had been living together as a monogamous couple for 13 years.
This past Summer the Supreme Court decided that making a lawfully wedded spouse pay inheritance tax on an estate that the two lawfully wedded spouses had amassed over their 30 year life together was unconstitutional. In a state that has legalized marriage for Gay or Lesbian couples the Federal government has no right to treat the Gay or Lesbian couples differently - to do so is obviously discrimination.
They also ruled that California's Prop 8 which prohibited legal marriage in the State of California and which had been struck down by a lower court would not be enforced - in other words, Gay couples in California cannot be discriminated against because a majority of citizens thinks and votes for that discrimination. With all due respect to my conservative friends who think that the "will of the people who voted" is being usurped or that "voters' rights are being destroyed" I would ask, "In the 1960s if Civil rights for African Americans was put to a vote would they have been given rights in most states in the deep South?" I was living there then and I can say with 99% certainty they would not have been given equal rights. I would also ask for an example of ANY votes for people to obtain civil rights in our history.
So after all this Court activity the IRS decided that Gay or Lesbian couples who were legally married in a state that allows Gay and Lesbians to marry must be treated as a married couple for Federal tax purposes EVEN if they reside in a state that refuses to recognize their legal marriage. Paul and I had been waiting to get married until it would mean something legally - we did not see the benefit of a symbolic ceremony.
Actually on December 24, 2000 after I sang in the choir and Paul attended the Christmas "Midnight" mass, we sat on the hearth in front of our fireplace and exchanged rings, read the marriage vows to each other from the Episcopal Book of Common Prayer and toasted our commitment with Cristal Champagne so we considered ourselves as married as anyone who had said vows in front of an official with the same legal standing, none.
But all the Court activity made things different so in keeping with our drama-free relationship I came in one afternoon and Paul said, "Did you see where the IRS said that if we got married somewhere it's recognized we could file joint taxes?" I said, "Yep, saw that. I need to check with my accountant to see if it would be advantageous for us to file jointly." To which Paul said, "I checked, and it would be advantageous." So I said, "Sure, you wanna get married? Where will we go? When?" And then Paul channeled his travel planner persona and started looking at New York, San Francisco, etc. to see what their marriage requirements were and also pricing flights, hotels, rental cars, etc. Is wasn't until AFTER we were married when people asked us, "who asked whom?" that we thought how unromantic the conversation/proposal had been (more on "romantic" later). The night we returned to Austin as a married couple, Modern Family featured Cam and Mitchell going through the same decision for the same reason but with much more drama and comedy than our situation (thank God!). And as I write this I expect their wedding will be much more elaborate and dramatic (especially since news leaked that Cam is planning the whole thing).
So we picked San Jose for several reasons - San Francisco was booked, New York had a wait period, San Jose had "Express Service." So Monday afternoon the 23rd we departed Austin headed for San Jose via LAX. From the American Airlines Ambassadors Club I posted on Facebook...
and then we sat and watched a big electronic board where the numbers being called up to a window were matched up to a window number. There are about 50 windows and numbers were constantly being called. After a few minutes, our number was called and we set out in search of the window with the appropriate number where we found a tiny, smiling Asian clerk behind the aforementioned Plexiglas - MS Philavane!
We confirmed that neither of us was changing our last name or taking a hyphenated "Gardner-Warnke" or "Warnke-Gardner." Money changed hands, we raised our right hands and attested to the fact that the information Paul entered earlier was true and accurate, some papers were stapled, and then she asked us to change places at the window and to face each other, look into each other's eyes and repeat after her. As I text-ed to a friend later...
"It started out to be all practical but ended up being romantic and intense. Even in the very officious surroundings of the County Courthouse with people transacting routine activities at the windows surrounding us, when we looked into each other's eyes and repeated those vows it was very meaningful and emotional!"
We got our "Certificate of Marriage" and after a very careful examination found that the word "Gay" does not appear on it anywhere. We're married just like any other couple who loves each other and commits to stay together for the rest of their lives. In case you are wondering but afraid to ask - the certificate has a place for two people's names - beside each name the clerk checks groom or bride - no need to designate one of us as "wife." (I was asked this!)
After we were "pronounced" and given our certified copies we went in search for someone to take our photo to document our first moments as legally married spouses. We decided not to ask MS Philavane since a photo taken through the Plexiglas with the speaker holes would make us look like we got married on a prison visit.
Unlike a non-Gay couple who could ask pretty much anyone to take their picture and know that the photographer would be happy about the occasion and probably honored to take the photo and be a part of the celebration, we still have to be careful about approaching a stranger with a request like this. Gay and Lesbian people get killed occasionally just for being Gay or Lesbian - we weren't concerned about being killed but we would risk asking some hetero-sexist or homophobic person and getting my iPhone thrown at us or getting a sermon about our sins or some other downer to ruin the moment. Then there were a couple of people who looked approachable but when we drew close were talking to themselves and I didn't want to risk giving my phone to them either. So we ended up in the car taking a "selfie" - our first "selfie" ever AND our first photo as legally married spouses.
We're Gay, that's why. We live in Texas. Texas citizens decided several years ago (80% to 20%) that our relationship has "no standing" and that the State and none of its institutions can recognize any relationship existing between us because we are of the same sex and not blood related. Practically, that means that if one of us is hospitalized, the other could be denied visitation rights because we are not family (President Obama has addressed this issue for hospitals with Federal funding and Mitt Romney said that if he were elected President he would reverse that executive order and let states decide (Texas already decided)). It also meant that when one of us dies the other would have to pay high inheritance tax on the total value of our estate (our marriage addressed that, after the Supreme Court addressed that specific issue earlier this year). For perspective, when Brittany Spears got drunk in Vegas a few years ago and married her good friend from high school she and her "husband" immediately had 1138 rights and privileges that were denied to Paul and I after we had been living together as a monogamous couple for 13 years.
This past Summer the Supreme Court decided that making a lawfully wedded spouse pay inheritance tax on an estate that the two lawfully wedded spouses had amassed over their 30 year life together was unconstitutional. In a state that has legalized marriage for Gay or Lesbian couples the Federal government has no right to treat the Gay or Lesbian couples differently - to do so is obviously discrimination.
They also ruled that California's Prop 8 which prohibited legal marriage in the State of California and which had been struck down by a lower court would not be enforced - in other words, Gay couples in California cannot be discriminated against because a majority of citizens thinks and votes for that discrimination. With all due respect to my conservative friends who think that the "will of the people who voted" is being usurped or that "voters' rights are being destroyed" I would ask, "In the 1960s if Civil rights for African Americans was put to a vote would they have been given rights in most states in the deep South?" I was living there then and I can say with 99% certainty they would not have been given equal rights. I would also ask for an example of ANY votes for people to obtain civil rights in our history.
So after all this Court activity the IRS decided that Gay or Lesbian couples who were legally married in a state that allows Gay and Lesbians to marry must be treated as a married couple for Federal tax purposes EVEN if they reside in a state that refuses to recognize their legal marriage. Paul and I had been waiting to get married until it would mean something legally - we did not see the benefit of a symbolic ceremony.
Actually on December 24, 2000 after I sang in the choir and Paul attended the Christmas "Midnight" mass, we sat on the hearth in front of our fireplace and exchanged rings, read the marriage vows to each other from the Episcopal Book of Common Prayer and toasted our commitment with Cristal Champagne so we considered ourselves as married as anyone who had said vows in front of an official with the same legal standing, none.
But all the Court activity made things different so in keeping with our drama-free relationship I came in one afternoon and Paul said, "Did you see where the IRS said that if we got married somewhere it's recognized we could file joint taxes?" I said, "Yep, saw that. I need to check with my accountant to see if it would be advantageous for us to file jointly." To which Paul said, "I checked, and it would be advantageous." So I said, "Sure, you wanna get married? Where will we go? When?" And then Paul channeled his travel planner persona and started looking at New York, San Francisco, etc. to see what their marriage requirements were and also pricing flights, hotels, rental cars, etc. Is wasn't until AFTER we were married when people asked us, "who asked whom?" that we thought how unromantic the conversation/proposal had been (more on "romantic" later). The night we returned to Austin as a married couple, Modern Family featured Cam and Mitchell going through the same decision for the same reason but with much more drama and comedy than our situation (thank God!). And as I write this I expect their wedding will be much more elaborate and dramatic (especially since news leaked that Cam is planning the whole thing).
So we picked San Jose for several reasons - San Francisco was booked, New York had a wait period, San Jose had "Express Service." So Monday afternoon the 23rd we departed Austin headed for San Jose via LAX. From the American Airlines Ambassadors Club I posted on Facebook...
Comments ranged from typical air travel comments to "Congratulations" and "Woo-hoo!" from a couple of people I had told about the trip but our plan was to simultaneously post a change to our Facebook statuses that we were married.
Tuesday morning we slept late (no dogs to wake us up) and had breakfast at our hotel before getting dressed and heading for the Courthouse. We had originally talked about dressing in shorts since it was going to be low key, mostly a tax transaction but ended up with nice slacks and dress shirts cause we figured we would ask the clerk to snap a photo of us with my iPhone camera.
Arriving at the Courthouse at 10:35 AM we found our way to the County Clerk's office and went to a small electronic device where we chose "My visit today regards...A Marriage"
to get our "service number" as in "Now serving number..."
Just past the electronic device we found computers and were instructed to fill out the information to apply for a marriage certificate online and to put our number in the questionnaire so our info would be associated appropriately when our number was called. Paul input our information...
We confirmed that neither of us was changing our last name or taking a hyphenated "Gardner-Warnke" or "Warnke-Gardner." Money changed hands, we raised our right hands and attested to the fact that the information Paul entered earlier was true and accurate, some papers were stapled, and then she asked us to change places at the window and to face each other, look into each other's eyes and repeat after her. As I text-ed to a friend later...
"It started out to be all practical but ended up being romantic and intense. Even in the very officious surroundings of the County Courthouse with people transacting routine activities at the windows surrounding us, when we looked into each other's eyes and repeated those vows it was very meaningful and emotional!"
We got our "Certificate of Marriage" and after a very careful examination found that the word "Gay" does not appear on it anywhere. We're married just like any other couple who loves each other and commits to stay together for the rest of their lives. In case you are wondering but afraid to ask - the certificate has a place for two people's names - beside each name the clerk checks groom or bride - no need to designate one of us as "wife." (I was asked this!)
After we were "pronounced" and given our certified copies we went in search for someone to take our photo to document our first moments as legally married spouses. We decided not to ask MS Philavane since a photo taken through the Plexiglas with the speaker holes would make us look like we got married on a prison visit.
Unlike a non-Gay couple who could ask pretty much anyone to take their picture and know that the photographer would be happy about the occasion and probably honored to take the photo and be a part of the celebration, we still have to be careful about approaching a stranger with a request like this. Gay and Lesbian people get killed occasionally just for being Gay or Lesbian - we weren't concerned about being killed but we would risk asking some hetero-sexist or homophobic person and getting my iPhone thrown at us or getting a sermon about our sins or some other downer to ruin the moment. Then there were a couple of people who looked approachable but when we drew close were talking to themselves and I didn't want to risk giving my phone to them either. So we ended up in the car taking a "selfie" - our first "selfie" ever AND our first photo as legally married spouses.
Mr. Paul A. Warnke & Mr. William P. Gardner
Legally Married Spouses
Joint Income Tax Filers
September 24, 2013
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