My best friend Kit Glenn died yesterday. He died.
Kit was five years younger than I and he died. From lung cancer. Yes, he was a smoker for a large part of his life and now he's gone. I'm not sure why or even if that's important but when I tell someone that my best friend died and he was five years younger than I, people always say, "was he a smoker?" As if that makes my grief any less or as if I don't have to worry since I never smoked?
I know I'm being repetitive saying he died so many times, but since our mutual friend Susan called and said, "He's gone buddy," I find that I am unable to believe that he is no longer living and I also find it impossible to use past tense when people ask about him - "he 'is'" in every sentence I mutter - "he 'was'" just doesn't work. I know the stages of grief and I know I'm in denial but it's more than that. The impact that Kit has on my life hasn't stopped, it continues - he "is" because I 'am."
I still remember vividly the day I met Kit, actually I remember vividly the first time I heard his name. I was in my office at the University of Southern Mississippi in Long Beach, Mississippi and my administrative assistant buzzed me to ask if I was going to hold office hours that Thursday as scheduled. When I confirmed she said she was making an appointment for me with Kit Glenn. My response was, "Wow, I love that name, 'Kit Glenn' - he could be a movie star or an astronaut, or a rock star with that name. What a great name!"
That Thursday when Kit walked into my office for advice on his undergraduate program he represented several firsts for me:
1. He was my first student who was younger than I. USM Gulf Park's average student was 34 and I was only 26 but Kit was three years out of high school.
2. He was the first advisee I had seen who had accurately followed the directions of the 2+2 program through which a student could go to community college for two years, transfer to our campus for two years and get a degree in four years just like going to a four year institution. Before Kit, every student I advised said they were following the guidelines but I had to send them back to pick up one or two courses before they could start with USM - Kit was ready to enroll with no exception - a first.
3. He was also the most handsome and appealing man of any age I had ever seen. This "first" was that I was so smitten with him, my denial of my sexuality was no longer possible. (Pretty obvious that "denial" is not a mental state I have recently become acquainted with!) I had been sexually active with other guys since sixth grade and I can't even remember how I could do all the things I did and not KNOW that I was Gay but I didn't acknowledge it. I think that I locked sex in a separate compartment from relationship and thought that the only way I could actually be Gay was if I wanted to be married to another guy not just sexually attracted. By the end of Kit's appointment I was not only sexually attracted to him but I wanted to marry him too! Here ended my denial! You may think I'm exaggerating Kit's appeal but just recently when I visited Mississippi to see Kit and his wife Jane I had a conversation with Jane when Kit wasn't within hearing range. She said, "When I came home from my first date with Kit I told my sister, 'he's the one, I could marry him,' I knew immediately that I wanted to marry him. Can you believe that?" I said, "Completely understand cause after spending an hour with him when we first met I wanted to marry him but alas, he wasn't wired that way." I also told Jane that if I couldn't have him as a husband I was so glad that she is the one who got him. I meant that too! Jane is the perfect wife for Kit - they are the most compatible couple I know.
Jane and Kit at one of their wedding showers 1980
4. At the moment I also thought that he was my first Gay student - of course that turned out to not be true. We laughed about that first impression years later when we both admitted that we thought the other was Gay when we first met - of course he was right! I primarily thought he was Gay because he brought a friend to the meeting and the friend was pretty obviously Gay - I thought they might be boyfriends - more on that guy later.
5. I didn't know it until later but he would be the first student I taught who had to be removed from the grading curve in every class because he was so far ahead of the rest of the students. He wasn't a little ahead, he was far ahead in every class. If I had included Kit's papers when I arrayed from top to bottom on my table, his would have been in another room. I would grade all papers except Kit's, array then and assign grades. Then I would read Kit's and award an A++.
6. He was also the first student to become a good friend, eventually best friend and stay my friend after graduation - actually become an even better friend after he graduated.
Terry Minyard, Assistant Professor Gay (Thomas) Irby, Me, Kit
Wow, this blog will be longer than War and Peace if I describe all the significant events between Kit and I so I'll do highlights for the rest - the ways Kit lives on.
Kit's Sense of Humor.
On my way to teach class one night I passed the Bookstore and was hailed that I had a phone call. I answered and had this conversation:
Me: Hello?
Kit: What cha doing?
Me: Kit, tonight's midterm. I can't let you make it up without a doctor's excuse.
Kit: I think I can arrange that.
Me: Are you sick?
Kit: Sick? Naw I'm not really sick. Feeling pretty good actually.
Me: Why aren't you coming to take the test?
Kit: (calmly) Oh, I shot myself so they won't let me drive to class.
Me: That's not funny.
Kit: You're telling me! You don't hear me laughing do you?
Me: Where did you shoot yourself?
Kit: At Sambo's, you know on the beach right in front of...
He had great comic timing and knew how to wait for the moment to deliver the punchline. He really had shot himself in the finger and he lost the finger - the pointer finger on his left hand. That injury led to further "humorous" pranks on Kit's part. When the stitches were still working their way out he would wait until I was right in the best part of my class lecture and I would look at him and he would be pulling stitches out with his teeth which he knew would make me almost faint and definitely loose my place in the lecture! Even after it was healed he made great use of it. We used to attend a very early service at St John's Ocean Springs on Wednesday mornings. Kit and Jane would go out on Tuesday night and he would later drive to my apartment in Ocean Springs to spend the night so he could make the early service, have breakfast with the Cursillo gang and then drive home to change and go to work. After the service the small group that attended would adjourn to the Parish Hall, have a prayer circle and then eat breakfast that we regular attendees took turns cooking. Kit would be drinking coffee or something when we circled up for prayer and would come running over just before we started. He would always take my right hand in his left and take the left hand of the next person to complete the circle - even if someone was already holding my right hand he would ask if he could cut in. During the prayer as we went around the circle each person offered whatever prayer they had and our priest Father Mead would conclude by blessing the food. Just before my turn to pray, Kit would start twitching his knuckle knowing that it would make me want to snatch my hand away or scream or faint and of course made me incapable of saying anything in prayer but "pass." As soon as the prayer was over Kit would hug me and chuckle but completely deny he had done it on purpose.
Kit's Value of Friendship
One day I walked out of my office to get some files out of my car and my car was gone from the parking lot! I ran back to my assistant's desk and she had my files on her desk. She addressed my confusion by saying that Kit had brought the items in and said that he would have my car back before I knew it was missing! When I finished teaching that night my car was indeed in the parking lot but it was different - Kit has washed and waxed it and changed the oil! There was a note taped to my steering wheel explaining what he had done. I called the next day and told him that I needed to pay him which he refused. I'll go ahead and include a negative about Kit so he doesn't come across as perfect - he is stubborn! I told him that other students might think that he was making good grades because he did things like that and he offered to let them look at all of his tests and papers to prove his grades were deserved. We went round and round and the only payment he would take was for the oil and any parts he used. Until I left the Coast he took care of my car far better than I would have because he said, "that's what friends do." I never found out how he got a key to my car he wouldn't tell me!
When I moved to Austin, he came to my house that Wednesday and Thursday night after he left work to help me pack a U Haul for the move. Thursday night we towed my car behind the U Haul and I spent the night with Kit and Jane. Kit worked all day Friday and then drove us to Austin. We arrived just as the sun was rising on Saturday morning. This took place in late July/early August - the hottest and most humid time of the year in both Mississippi and Texas. After unloading on Saturday and spending that night with our friends from Mississippi, Bob & Charlotte, we left Sunday morning to drive all the way back to Gulfport in my little VW Diesel Rabbit. Kit drove every single mile and refused all offers of help from me. He said that he was driving because he liked driving and he could stay awake better with me talking - if I drove he would fall asleep and I would probably fall asleep and kill us both. He didn't know that I overheard him tell our friend Mike Dobrosky that he did all the driving because my driving terrified him.
When Kit is your friend, there is no limit to what he will do for you. I can't sing the Servant Song because the first time I heard it was at a Cursillo when Kit and I were on team together and he happened to glance at me when he sang those words "let me be as Christ for you." Since then I tear up and can't choke out the words - and that was while he was living - the whole song now will probably do me in.
Kit's Acceptance of Me (and) Others
I was a little shocked once when Kit and I talked about our first impressions of each other being Gay and I asked if the guy who was with him that day was Gay. Kit said that he was but Kit did not know it at that time. The guy was a fishing buddy of Kit's. When I asked if they were still friends Kit said no. He told me that one night when they were at the fishing camp, lying in bed talking about the next day's plan the guy told Kit that he was Gay and Kit said he got out of bed, collected his things, drove home and had not really talked to his former friend again. It didn't sound like Kit at all but I decided that I could never tell Kit that I was Gay - that I had kept it a secret from myself for 26 years and from everyone else for four or five more, I could keep it a secret forever to not risk losing my best friendship ever.
Fast forward five years and I had moved to Austin where I came out and had been actually dating men and living the Gay lifestyle (whatever that is). I had come out to my family and had vowed to never keep the secret again. I felt tremendously guilty about not being honest with my best friend but I feared that I would never hear from him again. I spent several days with Kit and Jane trying to find a place to work it into a conversation and I just couldn't do it. Kit was driving me to Hammond to meet my sister so I could spend Christmas with my family and I decided it is now or never. Before I could say anything
Kit said, "Bill what is going on? You have been preoccupied since you got here. Talk to me.
Me: I'm so nervous I feel like I going to throw up!
Kit: What? You are nervous about telling me something? Buddy we have talked about everything, we have no secrets. Wait a minute, have you been killing people, chopping them up and burying them under your floorboards? (Obviously this was around the time the John Wayne Gacy murders had come to light.)
Me: Well if I had been doing that I probably would be less nervous because I have no clue how you would react to that news but I know how you reacted to what I have to tell you when someone else told you.
Kit: That's different, he and I weren't as good of friends as you and I are. You were our best man, you didn't see him in the wedding did you?
Me: He wasn't in the wedding because you never spoke to him again after he told you. Kit: Okay that wasn't completely true I did walk out that night but I talked to him later and we started hanging out again but I told him I couldn't spend the night or anything cause I wasn't comfortable that he was attracted to me in that way.
Me: Oh, well....wait! How long have you known?
Kit: I already told you I knew when we met. I've been hurt that you didn't admit it to me like you really thought it would make a difference after all we've been through together?
Me: {Tearing up} God I love you!
Kit: Stop crying, you'll make me cry. (laughing) what did you expect me to do, put your butt out here on the highway?
Closure
When I saw Kit last just a few weeks ago I told him that I had a song that always makes me think of him. He said I know, "The Servants Song" but it makes me think of you too. I said no this one is one you haven't heard called "Everything Possible" by a Gay quartet. It's a song that a father is singing to his child as he is tucking the child in to sleep - he sings that everything is possible for the child that he can grow up to marry or not, to have children or not, to travel or be a homebody, to love whomever he chooses and the chorus includes, "the only measure of your words and your deeds will be the love you leave behind when you're done."
Kit has set the curve once again - the love he leaves behind is all over Facebook today and in private messages and texts to me as well as to his wife and other friends. The love he inspired by his words and deeds makes it necessary to end by saying he IS a great man, not WAS.
HE IS A GREAT MAN.
Kit was five years younger than I and he died. From lung cancer. Yes, he was a smoker for a large part of his life and now he's gone. I'm not sure why or even if that's important but when I tell someone that my best friend died and he was five years younger than I, people always say, "was he a smoker?" As if that makes my grief any less or as if I don't have to worry since I never smoked?
I know I'm being repetitive saying he died so many times, but since our mutual friend Susan called and said, "He's gone buddy," I find that I am unable to believe that he is no longer living and I also find it impossible to use past tense when people ask about him - "he 'is'" in every sentence I mutter - "he 'was'" just doesn't work. I know the stages of grief and I know I'm in denial but it's more than that. The impact that Kit has on my life hasn't stopped, it continues - he "is" because I 'am."
I still remember vividly the day I met Kit, actually I remember vividly the first time I heard his name. I was in my office at the University of Southern Mississippi in Long Beach, Mississippi and my administrative assistant buzzed me to ask if I was going to hold office hours that Thursday as scheduled. When I confirmed she said she was making an appointment for me with Kit Glenn. My response was, "Wow, I love that name, 'Kit Glenn' - he could be a movie star or an astronaut, or a rock star with that name. What a great name!"
That Thursday when Kit walked into my office for advice on his undergraduate program he represented several firsts for me:
1. He was my first student who was younger than I. USM Gulf Park's average student was 34 and I was only 26 but Kit was three years out of high school.
2. He was the first advisee I had seen who had accurately followed the directions of the 2+2 program through which a student could go to community college for two years, transfer to our campus for two years and get a degree in four years just like going to a four year institution. Before Kit, every student I advised said they were following the guidelines but I had to send them back to pick up one or two courses before they could start with USM - Kit was ready to enroll with no exception - a first.
3. He was also the most handsome and appealing man of any age I had ever seen. This "first" was that I was so smitten with him, my denial of my sexuality was no longer possible. (Pretty obvious that "denial" is not a mental state I have recently become acquainted with!) I had been sexually active with other guys since sixth grade and I can't even remember how I could do all the things I did and not KNOW that I was Gay but I didn't acknowledge it. I think that I locked sex in a separate compartment from relationship and thought that the only way I could actually be Gay was if I wanted to be married to another guy not just sexually attracted. By the end of Kit's appointment I was not only sexually attracted to him but I wanted to marry him too! Here ended my denial! You may think I'm exaggerating Kit's appeal but just recently when I visited Mississippi to see Kit and his wife Jane I had a conversation with Jane when Kit wasn't within hearing range. She said, "When I came home from my first date with Kit I told my sister, 'he's the one, I could marry him,' I knew immediately that I wanted to marry him. Can you believe that?" I said, "Completely understand cause after spending an hour with him when we first met I wanted to marry him but alas, he wasn't wired that way." I also told Jane that if I couldn't have him as a husband I was so glad that she is the one who got him. I meant that too! Jane is the perfect wife for Kit - they are the most compatible couple I know.
4. At the moment I also thought that he was my first Gay student - of course that turned out to not be true. We laughed about that first impression years later when we both admitted that we thought the other was Gay when we first met - of course he was right! I primarily thought he was Gay because he brought a friend to the meeting and the friend was pretty obviously Gay - I thought they might be boyfriends - more on that guy later.
5. I didn't know it until later but he would be the first student I taught who had to be removed from the grading curve in every class because he was so far ahead of the rest of the students. He wasn't a little ahead, he was far ahead in every class. If I had included Kit's papers when I arrayed from top to bottom on my table, his would have been in another room. I would grade all papers except Kit's, array then and assign grades. Then I would read Kit's and award an A++.
6. He was also the first student to become a good friend, eventually best friend and stay my friend after graduation - actually become an even better friend after he graduated.
Wow, this blog will be longer than War and Peace if I describe all the significant events between Kit and I so I'll do highlights for the rest - the ways Kit lives on.
Kit's Sense of Humor.
On my way to teach class one night I passed the Bookstore and was hailed that I had a phone call. I answered and had this conversation:
Me: Hello?
Kit: What cha doing?
Me: Kit, tonight's midterm. I can't let you make it up without a doctor's excuse.
Kit: I think I can arrange that.
Me: Are you sick?
Kit: Sick? Naw I'm not really sick. Feeling pretty good actually.
Me: Why aren't you coming to take the test?
Kit: (calmly) Oh, I shot myself so they won't let me drive to class.
Me: That's not funny.
Kit: You're telling me! You don't hear me laughing do you?
Me: Where did you shoot yourself?
Kit: At Sambo's, you know on the beach right in front of...
He had great comic timing and knew how to wait for the moment to deliver the punchline. He really had shot himself in the finger and he lost the finger - the pointer finger on his left hand. That injury led to further "humorous" pranks on Kit's part. When the stitches were still working their way out he would wait until I was right in the best part of my class lecture and I would look at him and he would be pulling stitches out with his teeth which he knew would make me almost faint and definitely loose my place in the lecture! Even after it was healed he made great use of it. We used to attend a very early service at St John's Ocean Springs on Wednesday mornings. Kit and Jane would go out on Tuesday night and he would later drive to my apartment in Ocean Springs to spend the night so he could make the early service, have breakfast with the Cursillo gang and then drive home to change and go to work. After the service the small group that attended would adjourn to the Parish Hall, have a prayer circle and then eat breakfast that we regular attendees took turns cooking. Kit would be drinking coffee or something when we circled up for prayer and would come running over just before we started. He would always take my right hand in his left and take the left hand of the next person to complete the circle - even if someone was already holding my right hand he would ask if he could cut in. During the prayer as we went around the circle each person offered whatever prayer they had and our priest Father Mead would conclude by blessing the food. Just before my turn to pray, Kit would start twitching his knuckle knowing that it would make me want to snatch my hand away or scream or faint and of course made me incapable of saying anything in prayer but "pass." As soon as the prayer was over Kit would hug me and chuckle but completely deny he had done it on purpose.
Kit's Value of Friendship
One day I walked out of my office to get some files out of my car and my car was gone from the parking lot! I ran back to my assistant's desk and she had my files on her desk. She addressed my confusion by saying that Kit had brought the items in and said that he would have my car back before I knew it was missing! When I finished teaching that night my car was indeed in the parking lot but it was different - Kit has washed and waxed it and changed the oil! There was a note taped to my steering wheel explaining what he had done. I called the next day and told him that I needed to pay him which he refused. I'll go ahead and include a negative about Kit so he doesn't come across as perfect - he is stubborn! I told him that other students might think that he was making good grades because he did things like that and he offered to let them look at all of his tests and papers to prove his grades were deserved. We went round and round and the only payment he would take was for the oil and any parts he used. Until I left the Coast he took care of my car far better than I would have because he said, "that's what friends do." I never found out how he got a key to my car he wouldn't tell me!
When I moved to Austin, he came to my house that Wednesday and Thursday night after he left work to help me pack a U Haul for the move. Thursday night we towed my car behind the U Haul and I spent the night with Kit and Jane. Kit worked all day Friday and then drove us to Austin. We arrived just as the sun was rising on Saturday morning. This took place in late July/early August - the hottest and most humid time of the year in both Mississippi and Texas. After unloading on Saturday and spending that night with our friends from Mississippi, Bob & Charlotte, we left Sunday morning to drive all the way back to Gulfport in my little VW Diesel Rabbit. Kit drove every single mile and refused all offers of help from me. He said that he was driving because he liked driving and he could stay awake better with me talking - if I drove he would fall asleep and I would probably fall asleep and kill us both. He didn't know that I overheard him tell our friend Mike Dobrosky that he did all the driving because my driving terrified him.
When Kit is your friend, there is no limit to what he will do for you. I can't sing the Servant Song because the first time I heard it was at a Cursillo when Kit and I were on team together and he happened to glance at me when he sang those words "let me be as Christ for you." Since then I tear up and can't choke out the words - and that was while he was living - the whole song now will probably do me in.
Kit's Acceptance of Me (and) Others
I was a little shocked once when Kit and I talked about our first impressions of each other being Gay and I asked if the guy who was with him that day was Gay. Kit said that he was but Kit did not know it at that time. The guy was a fishing buddy of Kit's. When I asked if they were still friends Kit said no. He told me that one night when they were at the fishing camp, lying in bed talking about the next day's plan the guy told Kit that he was Gay and Kit said he got out of bed, collected his things, drove home and had not really talked to his former friend again. It didn't sound like Kit at all but I decided that I could never tell Kit that I was Gay - that I had kept it a secret from myself for 26 years and from everyone else for four or five more, I could keep it a secret forever to not risk losing my best friendship ever.
Fast forward five years and I had moved to Austin where I came out and had been actually dating men and living the Gay lifestyle (whatever that is). I had come out to my family and had vowed to never keep the secret again. I felt tremendously guilty about not being honest with my best friend but I feared that I would never hear from him again. I spent several days with Kit and Jane trying to find a place to work it into a conversation and I just couldn't do it. Kit was driving me to Hammond to meet my sister so I could spend Christmas with my family and I decided it is now or never. Before I could say anything
Kit said, "Bill what is going on? You have been preoccupied since you got here. Talk to me.
Me: I'm so nervous I feel like I going to throw up!
Kit: What? You are nervous about telling me something? Buddy we have talked about everything, we have no secrets. Wait a minute, have you been killing people, chopping them up and burying them under your floorboards? (Obviously this was around the time the John Wayne Gacy murders had come to light.)
Me: Well if I had been doing that I probably would be less nervous because I have no clue how you would react to that news but I know how you reacted to what I have to tell you when someone else told you.
Kit: That's different, he and I weren't as good of friends as you and I are. You were our best man, you didn't see him in the wedding did you?
Me: He wasn't in the wedding because you never spoke to him again after he told you. Kit: Okay that wasn't completely true I did walk out that night but I talked to him later and we started hanging out again but I told him I couldn't spend the night or anything cause I wasn't comfortable that he was attracted to me in that way.
Me: Oh, well....wait! How long have you known?
Kit: I already told you I knew when we met. I've been hurt that you didn't admit it to me like you really thought it would make a difference after all we've been through together?
Me: {Tearing up} God I love you!
Kit: Stop crying, you'll make me cry. (laughing) what did you expect me to do, put your butt out here on the highway?
Closure
When I saw Kit last just a few weeks ago I told him that I had a song that always makes me think of him. He said I know, "The Servants Song" but it makes me think of you too. I said no this one is one you haven't heard called "Everything Possible" by a Gay quartet. It's a song that a father is singing to his child as he is tucking the child in to sleep - he sings that everything is possible for the child that he can grow up to marry or not, to have children or not, to travel or be a homebody, to love whomever he chooses and the chorus includes, "the only measure of your words and your deeds will be the love you leave behind when you're done."
Kit has set the curve once again - the love he leaves behind is all over Facebook today and in private messages and texts to me as well as to his wife and other friends. The love he inspired by his words and deeds makes it necessary to end by saying he IS a great man, not WAS.
HE IS A GREAT MAN.
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