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When Talking is Not the Best Idea

People who know me even a little know that I talk A LOT! It's partially genetic - on the Gardner side - and it's also predicted by my MBTI scores - I'm an ENFP with emphasis on the EXTROVERT. So I hardly ever see talking as not appropriate well except in movies, plays and church but even then I can't really be quiet there unless I am thinking about what I will say when the movie ends, or church is over, or the play wraps. But yesterday I learned a new place where talking should be prohibited - in recovery after I have had general anesthesia.

I should have been forewarned cause my sister had a bad experience a couple of years ago. When she was in recovery and awake the hospital staff asked her to participate in a survey by answering questions. One of the questions was what she did as a hobby or for fun and she said, "clean commodes!" Now she is a world class cleaner - one of those rare people who can't walk through a room without straightening, picking up, dusting, etc. But just ask her when she's not under the effects of anesthesia and she will say that she hates cleaning toilets with a passion. She doesn't remember answering that way and is typically not sarcastic especially with someone in a position of "authority." It's inexplicable!

Yesterday when I was in recovery just moments after waking up, a nurse removed the oxygen tubes and my oxygen level dropped suddenly setting off an alarm. She asked me to take deep breaths which set off a coughing spell which kind of hurts when you have a brand new incision in your belly button! Anyway, she brought me crackers and juice to combat the nausea but every time I took a bite or a sip the damn alarm went off summoning one of the two nurses to come tell me to take deep breaths! After the third alarm she said, "You are a mouth breather so when you sip you stop breathing and your oxygen level drops." My response, "In the Gay Community calling someone a mouth breather is pretty insulting," I said this while (with no subtlety) glancing at the posted mission statement about treating patients which reads in part, "We provide excellent care with gentleness and kindness." Of course she started apologizing and said she was using it literally - that I was breathing through my mouth... We all know nice people who have a few drinks and become mean? I guess I'm mean on anesthesia!

Later my doctor dropped by and he said, "Everything went well, we of course went with the general anesthesia which I personally prefer when I undergo surgery. You'll be happy to know that you were very cooperative and didn't divulge any state secrets." With that I lifted up my blanket and said, "Well all I know is I had on blue scrub pants when I went into surgery and I woke up without them." I don't remember saying either of these things but my partner was embarrassed when both medical professionals looked at him after my comments like he was somehow responsible! :-)

My last instructions before leaving were that I should "...not drive for three days, not make any decisions of importance, not lift anything heavier than 15 pounds and not post to any social networking sites for 24 hours or as long as I was taking the pain medications." I'm still wondering if that last instruction is given to everyone or just those of us who get sarcastic from anesthesia?

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